Noah’s Ark In Modern-Day Tamworth
One day, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Tamworth. He said,
“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but there was no Ark.
“Noah!” He roared, “I am about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”
“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but times have changed. I’ve been arguing with the fire chief about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the town’s 25 foot wetlands buffer zone by building the ark too close to a stream. We received a certified letter from the Selectmen, and had to go to the Planning Board to beg for a waiver.”
“Then the NH Department of Transportation along with PSNH demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.”
“Getting the wood was another problem. I did not have my Notice of Intent to Cut Timber filed with the town, and the Conservation Commission objected to cutting so many trees through a known wildlife corridor. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the wildlife – but no go! When I started gathering the animals, the NH SPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were much too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”
“Then the NH DES ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. They did seem excited that this would expand their purview over wetlands to pretty much everywhere. I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the NH Department of Employment Security on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.”
“The New England Carpenters Union says I can’t use my sons. They insist I must hire only union workers with Ark-building experience. FOCUS is complaining that they may hear all the sawing and hammering from across town, for which they are also suing me. The town tried to pass an Ark Ordinance, and I had to buy off a couple politicians in the NH senate to prevent this.”
“To make matters worse, the town tax collector seized all of my assets, claiming that I have not converted my ark building site out of Current Use. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”
“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”