Selectman Willie Farnum and Cassandra have openly discussed their creepy endeavors cruising around town eyeing what they can see of gravel operations from the road. Lessons learned: don’t let bureaucrats on your property, and put some shrubbery between your property and their leering eyes.

Using our patented technique, involving a Sawzall and a drill, we’ll cut your bucket down to a mere 90% of its original capacity, re-drill the holes for the handle, and leave you with a 100% GPO compliant 4 1/2 gallon bucket in which you can store fuel, motor oil, or any one of the thousands of household chemicals listed at this user-friendly EPA website. Not only will the tentacles of their ordinance not extend to you if you’re storing less than five gallons, you’ll also get a warm fuzzy feeling knowing you’re doing something good for the environment: 4 1/2 gallons of sludge would be infinitely more safe than 5 gallons, by the logic of their ordinance.

Service appointments are filling up fast, so e-mail info@livefreeandcomply.org now to schedule your time slot. Our crack team of bucket-capacity-reduction-specialists are standing by to assist you for a mere fraction of the amount that one compliance inspection would cost.

Their ordinance lays out a “groundwater protection district” subject to these rules, covering approximately all of the non-forested parts of Tamworth, and goes so far as to ban several activities entirely; as Planning Board member Steve Gray objected: construction of new gas stations will be banned pretty much everywhere anyone would want to buy gas conveniently.

The Conservation Commission put out a Groundwater Protection Ordinance FAQ. In it, they acknowledge that their compliance inspections could be considered an invasion of privacy, and counter with some ironic arguments: “We already inspect for fire safety, what’s one more inspection?”, “Inspections are educational events.” (And if you disagree with said education, fines and enforcement action for you!), and best of all: “The only businesses that would be afraid of inspections are the ones with something to hide!” (Most folks don’t have anything to hide, but still put clothing on every morning and send their mail in sealed envelopes.)

If in fact some local business owner does end up spewing toxic substances into the ground, what are they going to say? “The Tamworth Green Police inspected and anointed my operation here, I’m off the hook.” Of course not – if a business owner is so irresponsible as to be causing actual harm to his neighbors and the environment, the responsibility has and will lie with him. Having the Tamworth Green Police engage in invasive compliance inspections all over town, and charging those businesses for the pleasure of their compliance inspections, under the auspices of “maybe, possibly someday something could go wrong here” will be a bureaucratic headache for all responsible business owners in town, and an obnoxious invasion of privacy.

In the end, the town government simply wants the ability to point at each and every business, residence, or building project in town and say “yea or nay” as to its suitability in fitting in “their vision” for Tamworth. Their recent pushes on zoning and this ordinance are simply an effort to legitimize town government’s desires via stacks of paperwork, bureaucracy, and law.

The letter includes helpful tidbits for George, such as a grand explanation of all his permitting options through the DES, his tree-stump removal violation, and a suggestion that George and his wife “may want to consult with the Planning Board and/or Conservation Commission to get a sense of the permissibility of what you propose, prior to spending time and money on the application process”. At least Ned understands that their subjective control of private property does have time and financial implications for local families and businesses, and it certainly will in this case as he CC’ed his letter to the NH DES as well as the Selectmen for enforcement action. Ned wraps up his letter with a particularly neighborly tone: “As noted, you are possibly in violation of three state and local regulations. You may need as many as three permits to proceed.”

Something is wrong when some poor fellow can’t remove a stump nor install a culvert on his own property without threats of being cost time and money, along with gracious offers to “get a sense of the permissibility of what you propose” from various town and state bureaucrats. Most neighbors help each other out with backyard projects, but apparently if you live next door to a town bureaucrat, you’re instead threatened with enforcement of onerous and unethical regulations.

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.  Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but there was no Ark.
“Noah!” He roared, “I am about to start the rain!  Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but times have changed. I’ve been arguing with the fire chief about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the town’s 25 foot wetlands buffer zone by building the ark too close to a stream. We received a certified letter from the Selectmen, and had to go to the Planning Board to beg for a waiver.”

“Then the NH Department of Transportation along with PSNH demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea.  I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem.  I did not have my Notice of Intent to Cut Timber filed with the town, and the Conservation Commission objected to cutting so many trees through a known wildlife corridor.  I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the wildlife – but no go!  When I started gathering the animals, the NH SPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were much too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

“Then the NH DES ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.  They did seem excited that this would expand their purview over wetlands to pretty much everywhere. I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the NH Department of Employment Security on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.”

“The New England Carpenters Union says I can’t use my sons.  They insist I must hire only union workers with Ark-building experience. FOCUS is complaining that they may hear all the sawing and hammering from across town, for which they are also suing me. The town tried to pass an Ark Ordinance, and I had to buy off a couple politicians in the NH senate to prevent this.”

“To make matters worse, the town tax collector seized all of my assets, claiming that I have not converted my ark building site out of Current Use.  So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.  Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”